perhaps the most angst-inducing aspect of all of this is that it needs to be taken with a grain of salt. simultaneously, “remaining open to the possibilities” that whatever system of belief (or hodge-podge of various belief systems) will actually work is also required – what could be construed as “faith”, i guess. Trust, maybe. Or, from the most valuable lesson I took from paganism, a “focus of will”.

More angst can be derived from understanding that the more faith/trust/focus of will is involved the more effective and intense the results of a belief system at work will be. Yes, angst, because simultaneously, what is either an inner skeptic or simply an east coast mentality refuses to let me give it my all. And quite easily, the skeptic in me could be not common sense or intuition but my inner teenager, still rebelling.

for me, this has been most evidenced by my introduction to a fairly new system of divination called Human Design, which has raised its head here in our countercultural, “vegetarian except bacon” crew (we love things that tell us why we and things are the way we and they are, but I can’t imagine that it will be any more popular than the Mayan calendar was because it requires a certified priesthood to understand it. But I could just be bitter).

Human Design states, among other things, that you’ve got a preconceived sort of “path” to discover and follow – in other words, if you need help or have some sort of desire to shrink your world (in order to, oh, i dunno, gain focus, perhaps) this is a way to go, like following a specific religious path or spiritual practice or seeing a shrink (there’s a reason they call them that).

Most of what i gleaned during an intro to Human Design is that I am terribly normal. This is entirely opposite of many reasons I casually allow other divination systems to suggest direction: for example, my particular astrological configuration points me out as deeply unique and through it i can find a way to justify every single annoying thing about myself or my actions.

In other words, I can gain a profound sense of self-awareness.

Human Design, on the other hand, seemed to present a far uglier truth. In Human Design, I fall into a class with 70% of the rest of the population.

Well what’s not to love? It’s humbling and points out my own arrogance, my offense to being common, but as I grow older I’m starting to notice statistics everywhere. For my age (35) I am of the size and fitness level of an average, single, urban, active American female. My iq is average. My height and my shoe size, average.

And now I’ve met a divination system that says “yes, you’re average. now follow that path.

That is so not what I wanted to hear. All this time I thought I was destined for greatness.